What I Want
by jaded river hussie
Summary: Natalie's POV. Like ramblings or reflections in a journal and thoughts in the deepest recesses of her mind, what Natalie can't say out loud. Post 10/8/02.


Title: What I Want  
Author: Astrid  
Feedback: Post here or send it to me at jaded_river_ hussie@yahoo.com  
Disclaimer: Characters are property of ABC Daytime's "One Life To Live", lyrics to the song "I Want To Be In Love" are by Melissa Etheridge, I'm just borrowing them, so please don't sue me.  
  
Rating: PG  
Category: Angst, Songfic, Ficlet  
Summary: Like ramblings or reflections in a journal and thoughts nestled in the deepest recesses of her mind, what Natalie can't say out loud. Post 10/8/02.  
Note: I don't like how the writers have turned Natalie into PodNat.  
  


* * *

  
  
_ I have climbed the highest mountain  
I have sailed across the sea  
I have wrestled with my demons  
And woke up with only me  
I have been around the block  
Three times maybe four  
And I think I deserve just a little more  
_  


Nobody ever asks me what I want. Apparently, it never matters. All I've ever really wanted was to be loved. To have a family that loved me. To have that one special guy in my life who would give me the world if he could. 

Huh. It's funny, you know? I thought I had that in Seth, once upon a time. Maybe I had. But in a few months, we both changed. We stopped being the people we'd fallen in love with. It hurts a lot when the person you love stops loving you the way that they used to. When you both change past the point of no return. First love's a bitch. But then again, what love isn't? 

You know, only four people have ever told me that they love me. Made me feel worthwhile. Like I had a purpose. First was Rex, when we were little, before Aunt Corrine came and took him away. Second was Seth. Third was my mother, Viki. Fourth was Cristian. 

I've pretty much come to accept that I'll never have a loving family. Sure, I have Vi--my mom, who reassures me on a regular basis that she loves me. And I have Rex, even though he's not my biological brother, he seems to love me just the same. Stuck by my side and defended me throughout most of that God awful Niki Smith mess. And Asa, my grandfather, well, we haven't spent any time together, so we haven't had the chance to bond--or spar. My Uncle Bo...he cares, I know that. He's accepted me as family. Does he love me like family? I don't know. Let's not forget "Uncle" Todd, who's been MIA since the spring. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black. Anyway, in the two seconds we spent conversing at Jessica's adoption party, I know that the only connection we'll ever have is blood. And Dr. Wolek--Uncle Larry seems to have taken to me. Ben, my step-father _and_ uncle, was getting to like me before the drama that was this past summer. My biological father, Clint Buchanan, has never even bothered trying to meet me. Neither have either of my half-brothers, Joey and Kevin. 

And then there's my dear sweet sister, Jessica. Jessica who still loathes my very being. Who will never give me the benefit of the doubt and will believe anyone else over me. Little Miss Jump-To-Conclusions Hyper-Accusatory "Natalie is an evil boyfriend-stealing lying-manipulative-homicidal witch" Bitch. Saint Jessica who can do no wrong and is allowed to pass judgement on anyone and everyone. She speaks the truth. If it comes out of her mouth, it's gospel. It's amazing, how many people think she's so nice and sweet, that she never has a bad thing to say to or about anyone, yet all she does is talk garbage to me and about me. Actually, she doesn't just talk it, she spews it. To anyone who'll listen. And I've tried so hard to get along with her, I have and I want to. Hell, things had even seemed to be getting better between us until Niki pushed Ben out the window and framed me. But Jessica, oh no, now, even though she's apologized for how she treated me over the summer and says that she wants me to be happy and whatnot, seems intent on coming up with new reasons to hate me. No matter how ridiculous or petty. So, there goes any chances of having a loving relationship with sister dearest. Besides, I've given up on her and her self-righteous holier-than-thou hypocritical attitude. 

Oh, and her accusing me of going after guys that I can't have, that I don't have a chance with, that are already taken? Uh, excuse me, honey, but Seth was _mine_ first, remember? _You_ stole his heart from _me_. Bitch. And, what the hell? We've known each other for shortly over a year and in this time, who else have I even tried to hook up with? Sure, I tried to get Seth back after they'd started dating but he _had_ been with me first. There was Chad and he'd been after me for months, but that was a non-thing plus he _stays_ single. Nothing except psychosis with Al. Then there's Cristian. 

  
_ In front of total strangers won't you kiss me  
Flowers for no reason but you miss me  
Oh I want to be in love  
You're standing on the doorstep in the rain  
Cause you couldn't wait to see me once again  
Oh I want to be in love  
_  


Cristian Vega. My best friend. The best friend I've ever had. Who I'm currently in love with and who's in love with me. I guess there is some truth in the saying that a guy and a girl can't be just friends. Actually, I prefer to believe what someone unknown said, that "a guy and girl can be just friends but at one point or another one of them will fall for the other, maybe temporarily, maybe at the wrong time, maybe too late, or maybe, just maybe...forever." Wrong time, all right. The weeks we both spent denying and fighting our feelings for each other; time wasted, time we will never get back. Time lost. Love lost. 

  
_ I have made some big mistakes  
And I've paid a heavy price  
I found a little peace between will and sacrifice  
I have watched as all my dreams  
Went walking out the door  
And I think I deserve just a little more  
_  


I would say that maybe I don't deserve to be loved or happy but I know that's not true. Right now, it could just be that this is my punishment for all the things I've done. All the terrible things I did during the first nine months following my arrival here in Llanview. All the pain I caused. The lives I ruined. You'd think that spending the first eighteen years of my life being raised--a term I use very loosely--by Roxy would be more than enough punishment for future crimes committed against the world but apparently it's not. 

You know, I never really did anything wrong until I came to Llanview. After those phone calls from one Alison Perkins, the woman who changed my life. For the better? I'm not so sure. For the worst? Yeah, I'm not sure about that one either. I do know that if it weren't for her, I probably would have never come to Llanview. Never would have met Cristian. Yet again, I don't know if that would've been for the worst or for the best. Maybe it would have been for the best. If we'd never met, we wouldn't have fallen in love and things would be so much simpler. Easier. But I guess I don't really deserve easy, do I? 

Did I do anything to deserve my life constantly going to and from Hell in a hand basket? Well, let's review. I came to town, made nice with Jessica, weasled my way into her good graces, her home, tricked her family--well, everyone I met, actually--set her up all cozy with _my_ then boyfriend, Seth, then I stabbed her in the back. I took her friendship, her trust, her generousity and then I threw them back at her and spit in her face then proceeded to thank her by taking her life and her identity away from her and presented her with the harsh realities of having a mother like Roxanne Balsom. Then I decided to make her life and my mom's, my real mom, Viki's life a living Hell. I refused to be some dirty little secret they could just sweep underneath an expensive oriental rug and forget about. And after Viki accepted me and attempted to bond with me, I tried to ruin Jessica and Seth's budding relationship. Then I let it slip to Al that Jen wasn't pregnant, which was an honest mistake. Then I kept trying to break up Jessica and Seth, could have killed Jessica when I pushed her through the railing on the stairs. Blackmailed Al--you know, blackmail has such a bad connotation, I'd much rather think of it as "helping"--which I was; I was _helping_ him keep Jen by keeping his not-so-little secret and he helped me in return. It was more of a quid pro quo arrangement. But then everything changed. I changed. 

Practically everyone in town hated me. Cristian didn't think too highly of me but we became friends. And when I realized that Seth didn't love me anymore, that there was no chance of us getting back together, I did the first unselfish thing I'd done since I'd came to town. I told Cristian the truth, the entire truth, about my quid pro quo arrangement with Al. And after that, he was still there for me. He still wanted to be my friend. 

  
_ I'm looking for a heart of gold  
I'm looking for a hand to hold  
A happy end  
Strong and kind Somewhere to rest my troubled mind  
_  


His entire perception of me changed. My perception of myself changed. I saw all that I'd done was wrong, and it was. When I look back, on everything I did...it was bad. _I_ was bad--but _damn_ I was _good_. I wanted to live up to his standards. In his eyes, I was beautifully flawed. I was a good person. Worthy of his friendship. And of his love. 

Cristian stuck by my side, stood firmly behind me. Everytime Jen accused me of being after him--and I _wasn't_--or someone else was giving me a hard time, he was always ready and willing to defend me. He'd be at my rescue in an instant. With barely any hesitation. And then after Ben's accident, he was always with me, refusing to leave or let me think that it was all my doing. Believing in me when I didn't believe in myself. Determined to prove to me and all of Llanview that I was innocent and had no part in Ben's fall. And along the way, I fell completely head over heels but crazy in love with him. And somewhere along the way, he also fell in love with me. 

It never occured to me that we could ever be more than "just friends." That he could love me. That he could feel the same way about me. And at no point in time did it ever cross my mind to go after him and try to "steal" him from Jen. But somehow, against all odds, he fell in love with me. 

He knew everything I'd done, _everything_. And he accepted me for who I was. He took me as I was. Hard bitchy shell on the outside, loving and loyal and even occasionally weak on the inside. Oh, by no means am I some fragile flower, but I do have my moments when I can do nothing to stop the tears. And nowadays, those moments more often than not involve Cristian. 

  
_ In front of total strangers won't you kiss me  
Flowers for no reason but you miss me  
Oh I want to be in love  
On Tuesday light the candles bring me wine  
Wednesday morning I won't get to work on time  
Oh I want to be in love  
Surprise me as I'm stepping off the plane  
Take my hand as they play our song again  
Oh I want to be in love  
_  


See, the thing is, Cristian and I can never be. And it's not that we don't want to be together because we do. It's just that we _can't_ be together. All the while we were falling in love and denying and fighting it, he got Jen pregnant. Part of me resents him for that. Now he's going to marry her. We both decided. It may not be fair, but it's what's best. Not for me, not for him, not necessarily for Jen, but for the baby. Their baby. His baby. 

My dreams were shattered in a matter of twenty-four hours. We said our "I love you's" and then Cristian went to break up with Jen and tell her about us and she told him that she was pregnant before he had a chance to tell her anything. Now, Jen's roped me into being her maid of honor. She was right, I don't want to be her maid of honor. Hell, I don't want to be in the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania when they get married. I'd rather be on another continent. Preferably with an ocean or two between us. 

How am I going to stand up there, beside Jen and Cristian, at the altar, and not say anything? How am I not supposed to object when I know that he's not in love with her but with me? Can I be so unselfish as to put Cristian's child first? To allow that child to have what I never had when I was growing up? Love. Happiness. A family. 

I have to. Not because I want to but because I have to. I would never want any child to grow up the way I did. So that also means that I have to do whatever I have to do to get over Cristian. By any means necessary, I have to do whatever I can to make myself fall out of love with him. I know it's going to be difficult. Especially since there's nothing I want more in this world than to be able to freely and openly be in love with Cristian and be happy. 

But hey, I got over Seth, didn't I? Survived that heartache. Survived life with Roxy. Survived Niki Smith. I overcame them all. I can get over Cristian. I will survive without him. Even if I don't really want to. 

But like I said, it doesn't really matter what I want, does it? 

  


_***** Finis *****_


End file.
